It's a dreary fall day here in TX and I am taking this day to do some reflection and some knitting for the upcoming holidays. I so enjoy a day where I can sit and relax with no one needing me to do anything or be anywhere. I have a pot of Veggie soup in the crockpot creating a wonderful fragrance throughout the house. It will make for a wonderful dinner.
I want to share with you a bit of a set back that I have had this week and the awarenesses that I have come to as well. My 19 year old son has decided to move out and go back to Vegas which was home for him most of his life. It is so funny that all our lives are spent training our children and teaching them the "right" things or rather what we think are the right things for them to do only to be upset when they do just that. I guess that I am the one that was not ready for him to move out. After all he is only 19. I mean at 19 I had been out on my own over a year and working two jobs and living in my own apartment. I was also engaged to be married and then married at 20. Looking back now I think to myself-"what was I thinking?" I had no idea what life would have in store for me and he doesn't either. That is what makes life such a great adventure. Maybe that is why I am so sad--because I see so much of myself in him. I grabbed life by the horns and just "went for it". I am really going to miss that young man around here. Or is it that he is my baby boy? The youngest boy. Isn't it funny that he is all moved out and the two older boys 22 and 24 yrs aren't even thinking about moving out? Life is funny
: )
Now that I have explained all of that I need to be clear about my realization and that is that once he called and let me know that he is staying in Vegas to live. I began eating everything in sight for the last four days. I knew in my head that I should stop and yet the hand to mouth action just kept going. I was stuffing, stuffing, stuffing. I was eating carmel corn, candy and cooked food. Nachos, grilled cheese etc. etc. and the list goes on and on. Then this morning when I got on the scale and saw that five (yes I said five) pounds had come on I must admit I was shocked. How could this happen. What takes me weeks to lose even one or two pounds and five come back in four days. How is that even possible? It certainly isn't at all fair. Now I am hoping that this is alot of water weight and today I am doing a complete water fast and not even thinking about food. I made a lovely soup for the family and will drink my water while they eat it in hopes that I will let go of this weight that plummeted back onto my thighs. I recognize that I ate in order to push away the emotions that I was feeling. I really wanted to cry and couldn't let myself do it. I had to be strong, afterall, isn't that what kids are supposed to do? Grow up and move on. I just didn't expect it to be without warning or planning. Now let's be real, in life, how much do we really plan? We try and yet I believe there is some joke about making plans in life and they never turn out as we expect them to. And therein lies the problem---expectations. I have expectations of what something is supposed to be like or turn out like, etc. I need to learn to expect nothing and be surprised and enjoy everything. I definitely had an expectation that the scale would go up and yet the expectation was not that it would have gone up so much. Am I making sense here? I know that I have some more work to do around this issue and I also know that awareness is 90% of the battle. Now that I am aware of what has been feeding my issue this time I can better deal with it.
SO, for today I am back on the wagon so to speak. I am re-focusing and getting clear again and focusing on MY outcome and what MY goal is for my body. Recognizing that it is my responsibility for only myself and not my son or anyone else.
In the knitting department, I am doing pretty great. I have finished the test knit and it is off to the designer. I am almost finished with the back to a sweater that I started last week. Only a few more rows and then I will be casting on for the sleeves or the fronts, I haven't decided which yet. I have not bought any new yarn as of late. I have been dreaming about it though. A friend emailed me this week about a coat kit I had inquired about quite some time ago. I had put it out of my mind for several reasons. One that it is quite expensive and the other that it will take quite a bit of time, maybe years to knit this lovely coat. (lots and I mean lots of intarsia) (7000yds of yarn) UGH! However, the coat is a work of art and one of the most lovely things I have ever seen. Anyway I am actually contemplating it again. I have been reading all of the posts from Rhinebeck and I keep thinking how beautiful I would be walking through Rhinebeck next year wearing this coat sporting my new body. I don't know. I am taking this matter into deep meditation and doing some serious prayer work. Feel free to join me in this matter. I also keep thinking that if I buy this sweater coat yarn, I would have WAY less yarn money for shopping next year and then I think, well, I do have a year to save. I can really find ways to justify this in my head-can't you just hear it in my words that I'm typing? teehee! I am still working toward my goal of getting Christmas knitting done and all of my other projects off the needles for the new year. It's weird to think that I only have two months to do this. I am trudging forward and I know that I am doing my best!!! I will keep you posted on my progress. Is anyone else contemplating my New Year's resolution as well?
More next week on how getting back to raw goes for me. Sending out love and light!
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