Back on the Wagon

It's a dreary fall day here in TX and I am taking this day to do some reflection and some knitting for the upcoming holidays.  I so enjoy a day where I can sit and relax with no one needing me to do anything or be anywhere.  I have a pot of Veggie soup in the crockpot creating a wonderful fragrance throughout the house.  It will make for a wonderful dinner.

I want to share with you a bit of a set back that I have had this week and the awarenesses that I have come to as well.  My 19 year old son has decided to move out and go back to Vegas which was home for him most of his life.  It is so funny that all our lives are spent training our children and teaching them the "right" things or rather what we think are the right things for them to do only to be upset when they do just that.  I guess that I am the one that was not ready for him to move out.  After all he is only 19.  I mean at 19 I had been out on my own over a year and working two jobs and living in my own apartment.  I was also engaged to be married and then married at 20.  Looking back now I think to myself-"what was I thinking?"  I had no idea what life would have in store for me and he doesn't either.  That is what makes life such a great adventure.  Maybe that is why I am  so sad--because I see so much of myself in him.  I grabbed life by the horns and just "went for it".  I am really going to miss that young man around here.  Or is it that he is my baby boy?  The youngest boy.  Isn't it funny that he is all moved out and the two older boys 22 and 24 yrs aren't even thinking about moving out?  Life is funny
 : )
Now that I have explained all of that I need to be clear about my realization and that is that once he called and let me know that he is staying in Vegas to live.  I began eating everything in sight for the last four days.  I knew in my head that I should stop and yet the hand to mouth action just kept going. I was stuffing, stuffing, stuffing.   I was eating carmel corn, candy and cooked food.  Nachos, grilled cheese etc. etc. and the list goes on and on.  Then this morning when I got on the scale and saw that five (yes I said five) pounds had come on I must admit I was shocked.  How could this happen.  What takes me weeks to lose even one or two pounds and five come back in four days.  How is that even possible?  It certainly isn't at all fair.  Now I am hoping that this is alot of water weight and today I am doing a complete water fast and not even thinking about food.  I made a lovely soup for the family and will drink my water while they eat it in hopes that I will let go of this weight that plummeted back onto my thighs.  I recognize that I ate in order to push away the emotions that I was feeling.  I really wanted to cry and couldn't let myself do it.  I had to be strong, afterall, isn't that what kids are supposed to do?  Grow up and move on.  I just didn't expect it to be without warning or planning.  Now let's be real, in life, how much do we really plan?  We try and yet I believe there is some joke about making plans in life and they never turn out as we expect them to.  And therein lies the problem---expectations.  I have expectations of what something is supposed to be like or turn out like, etc.  I need to learn to expect nothing and be surprised and enjoy everything.  I definitely had an expectation that the scale would go up and yet the expectation was not that it would have gone up so much.  Am I making sense here?  I know that I have some more work to do around this issue and I also know that awareness is 90% of the battle.  Now that I am aware of what has been feeding my issue this time I can better deal with it.

SO, for today I am back on the wagon so to speak.  I am re-focusing and getting clear again and focusing on MY outcome and what MY goal is for my body.  Recognizing that it is my responsibility for only myself and not my son or anyone else.

In the knitting department, I am doing pretty great.  I have finished the test knit and it is off to the designer.  I am almost finished with the back to a sweater that I started last week.  Only a few more rows and then I will be casting on for the sleeves or the fronts, I haven't decided which yet.  I have not bought any new yarn as of late.  I have been dreaming about it though.  A friend emailed me this week about a coat kit I had inquired about quite some time ago.  I had put it out of my mind for several reasons.  One that it is quite expensive and the other that it will take quite a bit of time, maybe years to knit this lovely coat.  (lots and I mean lots of intarsia)  (7000yds of yarn)  UGH!  However, the coat is a work of art and one of the most lovely things I have ever seen.  Anyway I am actually contemplating it again.  I have been reading all of the posts from Rhinebeck and I keep thinking how beautiful I would be walking through Rhinebeck next year wearing this coat sporting my new body.    I don't know.  I am taking this matter into deep meditation and doing some serious prayer work.   Feel free to join me in this matter.  I also keep thinking that if I buy this sweater coat yarn, I would have WAY less yarn money for shopping next year and then I think, well, I do have a year to save.  I can really find ways to justify this in my head-can't you just hear it in my words that I'm typing?  teehee!  I am still working toward my goal of getting Christmas knitting done and all of my other projects off the needles for the new year.  It's weird to think that I only have two months to do this.  I am trudging forward and I know that I am doing my best!!!  I will keep you posted on my progress.  Is anyone else contemplating my New Year's resolution as well?

More next week on how getting back to raw goes for me.  Sending out love and light!

Confessions of a Yarnaholic

      Well here I am a couple of weeks since the last post and I am pleased to report in that I am officially down 25 pounds!!!  Yes, I did say 25 pounds.  I hit the 25 pound mark on this past Sunday.  That being said I now have 98.5 pds til my goal.  I have continued to juice for two meals and then for the third I am either eating raw or doing a raw soup in the Vitamix.  I feel great!!!  Bonus from eating Raw is that I feel more clear.  I actually have been going through some emotional highs and lows though too.  There are times when I feel like the flood gates are about to open and the tears start and then I have moments of pure elation and joy.  I imagine that this is continuing to be part of the detox portion of the food changes.  I know that in the ebook Raw Emotions that Angela speaks about the emotional detoxing lasting for quite a few months.  And in fact, I think she actually said that it didn't start right away.  It was about 2 to 3 months into the change of eating that it started for her.  I definitely feel some of my feelings of loss from the move surfacing as well.  I think about my friends and the relationships that I had in KY a lot.  I really miss my friends there.  They were so awesome and so supportive.  It's funny but I have also been focusing on my spirituality quite a bit as well.  I find that there is a part of me yearning to be expressed spiritually as well.  I have been spending more time in the silence and in meditation.    For me, sometimes I fight going through the emotions thinking I should do it later when I have more time to deal with it.  What I am noticing though is that if I spend a little time with the emotion and check in and see where it's root is I can actually work through it and get to the other side.  For now that is working.  I wonder if as I go deeper and deeper into detox if it will get harder because I can only guess what some of these buried emotions that I have stuffed might be.  Time will tell and I won't rush it.  My body will heal at it's own pace one day at a time.

     One interesting thought that I just had is that while the weight is lightening up I have "cheated" on the fiber fast.   Hmmmmm, what do you suppose that is all about?  This past weekend was the annual Best Little Yarn Crawl in TX.  It was a four day crawl around to 10 yarn stores in the Austin/ San Antonio area.  What fun it was.  It was my first yarn crawl ever.   I worked at the shop where I teach for two of the days and then the other two days I did the crawl.  I made it to all 10 stores and I am planning on the winning the big prize of a $500 gift certificate.  WooHoo.  While on my journey to these 10 stores I succumbed to the temptation, I blew it!  I am a true yarn a holic!  I  purchased a couple of things, I broke the fast.  In my defense they were things that I had never seen before and can not get at my local yarn shop.  I know that is not really justification for breaking my fast but it's the best I can do.  I thought that I could wrap it and put it under the Christmas tree from my family.  That is just another way for me to justify it though, isn't it?   The crawl was quite an experience.  You get in your car and you strategically plan your route.  One day I went north and the last day I went south.  Super fun!  I went by myself because I didn't really know anyone to go with.  I can tell you that it would be a blast with a group of girlfriends and I hope that next year I will have someone to go with.   For now I am back on the fasting wagon.  I have to tell you that it has been an interesting journey this fall.  I am doing a test knit that is taking me a fair bit of time.  More than usual.  Not because it is hard but because it is tedious and has patterning on both sides and tons of cables.  It is gorgeous though!  Can't wait until the designer reveals it.  Last week I took a break to knit a shawl for the yarn crawl for the shop to use as a display model and I finished it in 8 days, which made me feel accomplished and now I am back to the test knit.  As soon as the test knit is finished I will get back to Christmas knitting and cleaning off my needles for 12/31/12 so that I can start the new year off clean.  I am so excited about that!!!

     I trust that your Fall is bring much beauty and joy to your life as the seasons begin to change.   I'll be in touch soon!